؟Why am I not a Bahai
?Why am I not a Bahai
By : Hadi Hadad. – 13:04 PM 18/05/1389 ( Iranian Calendar ), 09 Aug 2010.
Translated : by R.Mahmoodi 28 September, 2010
Why am I not a Bahai ? why ? The query “why am I not a Bahai” is a very interesting question.
For example, one could ask the question another way : why AM I a Christian ? Or why AM I a Shiite ( Muslim ) ?. In such a case, what I would have to do is much simpler. All I need to do is to string together a series of “reasons”. For instance, “Jehovah is a Most Mighty God”, or “The Almighty God made Himself into Flesh, as Jesus, and came down to Earth, to endure great hardship, pain and suffering so that we may be Saved from our Sin”, or I could speak of the connection between Religion, Faith and Life, or talk of Beauty of Islam and Mohammad, etc, etc.
But “Why Am I Not a Bahai” is a much more difficult question. Why, after working so hard for so many years, enduring untold suffering and hardship, to know the Truth, after so much effort, why …. ?
Now that I have to ponder this question, I have to approach it from a different perspective. Why I do not …..
Why I do not want be a Man who is clear about his Purpose in Life?
Why I cannot accept to devote my life to the betterment of Human Society?
Why I do want to accept that All people should be treated with equal rights?
Why I must not judge other people of Faith, and must not separate the Heaven of Christian, Jew, Muslim and Atheist from one another?
Why I do not want to accept the Future? and that the World has changed?
Why I do not want to consider that we have moved ahead, even if a little, from where we were 3000, 2000 or even 1400 years ago?
Why I must keep the memories of my ancient enemies alive, and seek to find new ones?
Why I can not have the ability to ponder my own Faith and Religion ( i.e. Must delegate it to others ) ?
Why I should not allow myself to study other Religions?
Perhaps I am eager to reach that Heaven that has been promised to me and my co-religionist alone, which is the highest of all Heavens, a Heaven filled with Beauties ( Houris ). Angels ( Pariyan ) and flowing streams and all manners of earthly delight!
Perhaps I cherish holding all that is Sacred in my Religion high in my thoughts, and relegate the Advent of the Promised one into the hands of an Ancient Prophet!
Perhaps I enjoy sitting in the position of Authority among my Countrymen, and consider those who follow other Religions as inferior, untouchable and beneath contempt, and in this way, be proud of my High Standing!
Perhaps In my Heart burns the yearning of arriving in that Hallowed Place, that Heaven of Heavens, where all the Believers in God who have followed other Prophets, of other lands and other cultures, are sitting closer to the gates of Hell, far beneath my exalted Paradise, right next to God Almighty, ruling over them all as the Citizen of the Highest Paradise!
Perhaps I see with my inner eyes that I have reached the object of my Quest both in this World and in the World to come!
Maybe I am too elated to think of my Religion as the Last Religion, and my Prophet as the Last Prophet, and see myself as superior to all the other lost souls, and I feel pride and superiority of the Spirit over the poor lost ones, and feel pity for them!
Maybe I am happy to feel free to take the lives, children and wives of others, and see them as perfectly available to me to take as I wish ( halal ), and feel free to kill them as I desire!
But really, what am I thinking?
I regret that I am not a Bahai, but I still am not one.
I regret that I am not working for Universal Justice and Fairness with Kindliness, but I still am not one.
I regret that like Bahais, I cannot be kind to my fellow co-religionists, and can not be respectful to people of other Faiths.
I regret that I cannot, like Bahais, be concerned with the betterment of the World, and can not start that with myself.
I sigh for not being member of a society whose effort is to being all people together as one.
I sight that I can not, or do not want to, believe in One Truth and not care about who has lead me to that Truth.
Perhaps I would prefer to be alone, by myself.
Maybe I am more happy to be besides-myself, to not think too much about the Realities of what IS and IS NOT.
Maybe I rather be two-faced and a liar, a big Liar, one who can trick the entire World!
Maybe it is easier to project my anguish of other onto other people!
Maybe I enjoy the challenge of getting into the abstract and esoteric passages of my Holy Text that allow me to hide from the truth of my sins!
Maybe I do not want to give up my option to “deny my faith”( taghiyyeh ), if necessary!
Maybe I am afraid of being imprisoned, of becoming a refugee!
Maybe I am afraid of pain and torture!
Maybe I am afraid of showing love and kindliness!
Maybe I am afraid of how people will look at me, what they will think of me, or how they behave towards me, or what false charges they levy against me!
Maybe I cannot see myself in their clutches!
Maybe I am afraid of getting a twenty-year prison sentence!
I do not know what is the beautiful feeling of Friendship?
I do not know where is this Beautiful World of Nobility?
I do not know if there is a God?
I do not know that if there is a God, which way is He Looking?
I do not know if God differentiates between the one who seeks the unprotected to call him “His Enemy” and the one who seeks the enemy to call him a “Friend”?
I do not know if there is a difference between the one who wants to purge and save the world by killing all those who do not agree with him, and the one who tries to purge and save the world by having pure and goodly deeds, with commendable and seemly conduct?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His Servant?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His World?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His Religion?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His Creed?
I do not know if I want to worship God or the word of His Servant?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His Book?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His House?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His Prophet?
I do not know if I want to worship God or His Creation?
I do not know if I want to worship God or the Darkness of Fear?
Maybe I am only interested in Power.
Or maybe I am only interested in the feeling or presumption of Power!
Or maybe I just want to see myself bigger and better than others!
Or maybe I only need to have enemies!
Or maybe I relish the opportunity to quash others, no matter who they may be, under my foot!
Or maybe I enjoy seeing an entire community of people, to outward seeming, been brought low and been made to suffer!
Or maybe I enjoy when I lie!
Or maybe I am just happy to fanatically cling to the principles of a religion whose teachings I routinely violate and ignore!
Or maybe I enjoy staying where I am, year after year, with no change!
Or maybe I delight in still crying over what happened 1000 years ago!
Or maybe I find peace in only seeing [Imam] Hossain as a victim, and no others!
Or maybe I enjoy being angry towards all on account that it is Ashura!
Or maybe I am happy to delegate my ability to think to others who will think for me!
Or maybe I am happy to see my other half [woman, wife] as an inferior form of life, inferior to me!
Or maybe I am just happy to be imprisoned by the framework of “adherence” ( taghleed ), having to “imitate” my esteemed Leaders!
Or maybe I am just happy to bend as the wind blows (to eat bread at the day’s price !) !
Or maybe I relish the opportunity to steal other people’s wealth under the banner of “Religious Action”!
Or maybe I enjoy to rape their women under the banner of “Religious Action”!
Or maybe I am happy to lie about others can call it “the Right Act of the Pious”!
Or maybe I enjoy crushing the jaws of others as a sign of being “Righteous”!
Or maybe I delight in calling other such terms as “infidel, enemy of Faith, or Enemy of God”!
Or maybe I just enjoy imprisoning a believer in God, on the count of the word of the “Spiritual Authority on Earth” [i.e. Ayatollah ]!
It seems as if I have agreed to not think.
It seems as if I have agreed to not hear.
It seems as if I have agreed to not see.
It seems as if I have agreed to kill and plunder!
It seems as if I have agreed to spit in my own face!
It seems as if I have agreed to overstep all bounds of human decency.
It seems as if I have agreed to say to myself that this is not my problem nor issue.
Perhaps I am content that I can bury my own dead in some safe place.
Perhaps I am content that I can enter the University without having to lie about my convictions.
Perhaps I am content that I can find a meager job without having to lie about my faith.
Perhaps I am content that I can live in this Country [Islamic Republic of Iran] without having to worry about people looking at me, or without having to lie about who I am.
Perhaps I am content to live a miserable life, under this yoke of oppression, simply passing my meaningless days until I die of old age, without having to worry about what I believe!
If only I declare NOT to be a Bahai, I have access to the Universities and Schools, and all is well!
If only I declare NOT to be a Bahai, then I am NOT a Bahai, and all is well!
If only I declare NOT to be a Bahai, then I have the right to curse my oppressors and attack him with vengeance, and all is well!
If only I declare NOT to be a Bahai, then I have the right to hate whomever I do not like!
If only I declare NOT to be a Bahai, then I have earned the right to have enemies!
If only I declare NOT to be a Bahai, then I have the right to misjudge all others, and make false assertions about them!
If only I declare NOT to be a Bahai, then will the blind people of this land grant me the right to live in peace!
Perhaps I should wait once again for the Promised One ( Mahdi ) to come and remake the Promised World Anew, a promise that I, myself, have betrayed!
Perhaps I should wait once again for the One who will ‘Save the World’, so that he may Fix the World, the very World that I, myself, have destroyed!
Perhaps I should wait once again for the Qaim [ the promised one ], so that he may restore the World to what Was, the World that I, myself, ruined!
Perhaps I should wait once again for the Judge to come and Judge the Wicked and Seek Justice for the Oppressed, the very oppressed whose Oppressor was I, myself!
Perhaps I should wait once again for the Angel of Justice to Judge the deeds of the Imprisoned and the Prison Masters!
Perhaps I should wait once again for ….
Why should I wait but once again? For what Purpose?
Maybe my reason to Wait is to see what happens to those who were Waiting? How will the Holy Judge, who is to run the sword through the unjust, think of them?
I have witnessed the Injustice and the Unjust, who are awaiting for the One. Will the Sword of the Judge be On them [ as in granting Knighthood ] or will it Run through them [ as in killing ] ?
I have witnessed the Lie and the Liar, who are awaiting for the One. Will the Sword of the Ju